I have always admire people with strong inner strength or what people will describe it as will power. I believe that all champion has them. The better athletic will have them. Somehow I felt that people will do competitive sports at some point of their life have them. i’m not sure as I never did competitive sport in my life before. If there is any regrets in my life it will to be not playing competitive sport. I have been thinking about this for a period of time what really made a person better in learning than another. I tried to observe classmate that I deem are smarter and better learner than myself and try to come out with an explanation at how they managed to pick up things so fast and what set them apart from myself. Is it the intellectual capacity, or the fore knowledge or just plain hard work. I don’t have an answer. And I realized that the more I grew up the more I am unsure of who I am. I think that is why it is always important to test yourself out. Try hard things, ask questions, do the hardest part, test your values.
For most part of my growing up years, I always want to be a leader, even though I am not. I always want to be the person that stand up, even though I am an introvert personality, there is a deep desire to lead. When you desire something opporutnity will usually follows and sure enough I am entrusted with “leadership duties” and I realized that I do not like the job. If given a choice I will rather stand back and be lead. But having said that, I found out that what I want all along is not to be a leader but to be lead by someone that I respect and look up as a leader and I found out that, that is missing in my life. Maybe subconsciously I began to think that maybe I can be the one, maybe I can be the one that people can look up to can bring them forward. Like any ideas, they are all perfect in our minds and pretty much flaws in execution. That is why nowadays, I tend not to be enthusiastic about being the one forward and hope that someone better will stand up in front of me. People that stand up to lead I will give them more grace as I know their difficulty too.
I was looking at my photo albums a couple of weeks back and I realized that people that I used to share my life with couple of years back were living very different life now. Almost half of them are happily married and many of them have kids. I thought to myself how a few years down the road can make such a big difference in life.
We call it the stage of life. It’s like the leap you took when you are in kindergarten to start of your primary school education or for Singaporean guys a leap from a high school student to a solider. It seems like life has become automated that you know what to do when out of one stage.
I started to question these automation. Who defined all these stages? Why do we have to follow these road that is being pave out my a certain individual or policy? Have we grow so custom to people or society expectation that we forget and don’t question about choices outside the system.
Early this year, I attended a friend’s wedding. It was all beautiful and It seems like a fairy tale ending. i started visioning myself in their shoes and got nervous. I can’t do that. Not now. I always wonder how will it be like to step into the next stage of this marriage life. I got a feeling that it’s like the first day in primary school or the first day when you get enlisted in the army. It seems scary but after a while you will get use to it. this may be a sound argument but I don’t seems to buy into it.(As much as I want to)
My mum got married when she was 24 because of that she always think that she missed out alot in life. Maybe her life could have been better if she married late. She could have a better career and see the world. Every now and then she will always tell me not to get married early. “See the world, expose yourself.” Maybe because of that, subconsciously I will always tell myself don’t get tie down, traveled and see the world first. No I don’t have a commitment issues. On contrary, I believe in commitment. Commitment to me is forever. It is a promise that I will carry out till the end of my life.
I know I sounded like an idealist. But no I will not bow down to social norm.
I was watching a video about DPP Taiwan Presidential Candidate Tsai Ing Wen a couple of weeks back. It’s is a Harvard forum that discuss about Taiwan: Policy Challenges, choices and leadership in the next decade. Someone in the forum asked her about how she will respond to traditional Taiwanese woman who had a family and kids to care for to which she has neither. She excellently replied that if she made policies and decisions base on her own feelings she will be a very bad leader. That statement struck me as though a light bulb lighting up in my mind. I cannot make decision base on my own feelings. Someday I felt good, other days I felt bad. That shouldn’t affect my actions or decisions. People that depend on me shouldn’t be affected by how I am feeling. Rather I need to be clear headed and make decisions and policies base on peoples’ needs and situations.
If I can turn back time, I wished that someone will tell me all this. If I knew this earlier I will never give up on designing. Maybe I will live a life very much different from what I am now. But there is no point looking back. Sometimes I felt that life is like a circle, things that you didn’t overcome, It will haunt you back in future. I think after going through all these, I have learned to bite through the bullets and just kept doing. And hopefully by shear volume that I will be better. Better than what I imagined I would when I first started out. It’s going to take a while. Till then bear with me for the lack of quality. I will be better. I promise.