Inner strength

I have always admire people with strong inner strength or what people will describe it as will power. I believe that all champion has them. The better athletic will have them. Somehow I felt that people will do competitive sports at some point of their life have them. i’m not sure as I never did competitive sport in my life before. If there is any regrets in my life it will to be not playing competitive sport. I have been thinking about this for a period of time what really made a person better in learning than another. I tried to observe classmate that I deem are smarter and better learner than myself and try to come out with an explanation at how they managed to pick up things so fast and what set them apart from myself. Is it the intellectual capacity, or the fore knowledge or just plain hard work.  I don’t have an answer. And I realized that the more I grew up the more I am unsure of who I am. I think that is why it is always important to test yourself out. Try hard things, ask questions, do the hardest part, test your values.

For most part of my growing up years, I always want to be a leader, even though I am not. I always want to be the person that stand up, even though I am an introvert personality,   there is a deep desire to lead. When  you desire something opporutnity will usually follows and sure enough I am entrusted with “leadership duties” and I realized that I do not like the job. If given a choice I will rather stand back and be lead. But having said that, I found out that what I want all along is not to be a leader but to be lead by someone that I respect and look up as a leader and I found out that, that is missing in my life. Maybe subconsciously I began to think that maybe I can be the one, maybe I can be the one that people can look up to can bring them forward. Like any ideas, they are all perfect in our minds and pretty much flaws in execution. That is why nowadays, I tend not to be enthusiastic about being the one forward and hope that someone better will stand up in front of me. People that stand up to lead I will give them more grace as I know their difficulty too.



It’s 230am and I’m wide awake. It must be the coffee that I took just now. School is busy but things are still pretty exciting. Of course there’s still an ongoing battle with myself not too slack and work my ass off. I’m still adjusting to my new phrase of life but toying with the thought of. despite my busy schedule to make a website to sell some second hand stuff, to practice the guitar and to do a short film. Sometimes I wished that I have more time and resources and wondered how some people managed to squeeze so many things into their life.

I have been cutting down much of my social life to do my school work. There’s no life for people that enrolled into my course. It’s a 8am to 11pm daily battle everyday. Oh ya! I have just attended a friend wedding last weekend. It’s my second one in a short spam of one month. I guess I have reached the age where people around me are starting to settle down. During the wedding, I imagined myself to be in my friend’s shoes (he’s the groom!) and fear struck me. “I’m not ready for all this man.” I thought to myself. Facing the crowd, saying your vow all seem too scary. I’m too young for this. there’s still many things that I want to do! And yes, of course I’m still consider young in this era where people only start to settle down in their 30s. But back in my parent’s time, at the age of 24, you would be married with at least a kid.

Although I have several friends that want to get marriage young, many still prefer to have a stable career first before even thinking about the settling down. I was reading an article and it’s about whether is the marriage system is still relevant in our modern society. In the past, people got marriage because of economic purpose. Maybe I have watched too many accident soap opera and imagine people in the past married to get domestic or financial help. It doesn’t really matter if you love the person, after all, love can be cultivated. In fact in the past, people do not see their partner till the day they got married.

How about In the 21st century? of course, no matter how much we denied, we secretly look for the prefect one. Some even have a list of criteria. I have a couple of friends that do that. Maybe that’s why they are still single. Hahas. I myself even though do not write down a list but subconsciously will imagine how the perfect one will be like. But does that work out? I’m not sure. Should we be pursing the perfect one? Or should we be more open and accepting? After all having a partner is not buying a thing. Maybe if we can open up ourself to see the good side of everyone you might find that there are actually lots of eligible one around.

It’s interesting to see friends that are couple of years younger than me starting to date. I thought to myself that why date when you are so young? You are missing out all the fun and not being a wet blanket, from experience rarely things work out. Maybe I represent a more traditional mindset which is to date and get married and not just for the stake of dating. I know that dating can be fun but on the down side you can be heartbroken too. And trust me, having your heart broken for someone isn’t exactly the most fun thing on earth. It’s hurt more than anything and I won’t want to experience that again. Perhaps sometimes, I’m a pretty close up person. In a way, it’s my self defense mechanism in work.

Having said all these, what I’ve just typed might be rubbish. It’s 3:14am! And I have been working hard since 9am. I have a maths test tomorrow and yes I better get some rest. So see you guys soon. Hopefully I can come out with more things to write and of course my short film.


This is the latest book that I’m going to finish reading. No, it’s not my textbook but it’s actually a pretty comprehensive book about electronics, mirco chips and the revolution of transistors and the introduction of several engineers, scientist and mathematicians that changes our world with the introduction and invention of  transistor, cathode ray tube and mircochip. And the world we live today consist of mircochip everywhere, TVs, microwave, refrigerator,ect…. It’s pretty informative and even for pure entertainment it’s pretty interesting.

I had English lesson this afternoon. It was the first lesson of the module. So the lecturer started by giving us a series of what is expected and what’s not. Then follow by an introduction of yourself using a symbol and what we hope to achieve at the end of the course. I’m not sure why, maybe after meeting too many people last year I started to get this phobia of opening myself up to people. I got abot nervous and didn’t know what to says. But the differences in me last year and this year is that, last year I’m not afraid and actually felt excited knowing new people in my life but wasn’t confidence and have the appropriate skills to do so. I will end up talking rubbish and living people confuse and maybe not knowing how to carry on the conversation. But this year, I felt especially unmotivated and started to develop phobia in meeting people. But the strange thing is that once I stepped out of comfort zone, I sounded confident and could actually carry on a conversation with ease. I think that’s pretty weird.

Anyway, I couldn’t come out with any symbol that represent myself and I thought, I’m a pretty complex person. I carry many roles in my life and in various role I used a different personality.  I can be a tree that is so stable that no wind or rain can blow me alway, or a wave that will swipe you up and down life with fun. It’s just too complex to say I am this kind of person. period. Well, I’m not. So in the end I said that I’m a dough. I’m not sure how will my classmate react to it. I wouldn’t care too much either.

That’s my initial. How cool is that.

It’s Monday.

It’s 12am. Monday morning. I will be starting work again in 9 hours time. The past 2 weeks of break has been rather unfruitful. I watched tons of movies and facebooking for hours. On the bright side, I managed to clear my IPPT. Which means that I don’t need to go back for RT. The whole test was torturing. I always know that I not super fit but to feel the body fighting for breath and resisting every step that I took was discouraging. I don’t get it why some people can maintain their fitness level with the minimum effort yet I need to give in everything that I had. Okay. Maybe not everything. 80% perhaps. Well. At least I passed.

Crisis. There has been alot of talk about crisis. I personally feel it in my life. I won’t elaborate what it is. But I truly feel that a crisis is a turning point. Crisis brings opportunity. Crisis brings change. Crisis bring a understanding of who I am. There has been a lot of crisis in my life and even though it might not seems like one to you but I felt the heat. I felt the fears. I’m glad to say that despite all these things that happened. I’m still here writing all these stuff. So when I think back, and when I look at how much I have walked along this life journey of mine. Life can’t be that bad.

Love. I’m been thinking alot about love or maybe relationship subconsciously. That are some extreme point of views that I had which I feel that I shouldn’t had. Yet I can’t help but to think of it in that perspective.  It might be because of the past. Or maybe people around me.

I can’t believe how monday blues is making me all cranky, writing all this stuff.

I’m just a nice guy.

It’s easy to be mean and get things done. But it takes everything to be a nice guy and still get things done. This was part of our conversation (Donn and I) at 3am in a relatively noisy ( due to a few girls seated beside us playing monopoly duel ) yet empty Swensens restaurant. I brought out this topic as I was working in an event company the past 3 weeks, I observed how my more experience colleague deal with vendor and supplier.

By nature, I a very easy going person and generally friendly. I’m just a nice guy. The type that every girls will comment that any girls that is with me will be lucky but never want to be with. After all that’s a saying that says that “Girls like bad boys”. I know. That will be another debate.

I remember reading a booking saying that General  Eisenhower (or is it MacArthur?) only loses his cool once through out his whole period in office. I think that’s an achievement consider the amount of stress that he had to go through. That is my aim in life. To be a nice guy yet still get things done.


I was at borders just now and I came upon this book title lousy invention. The first thing that came to my mind was some weird Japanese inventions but it actually talk about……… animal farm and some other stuff that doesn’t seems lousy on the surface but actually is, well according to the author.

Here are inventions that I actually have a love-hate relationship with.

Light Bulb
Light bulb must be one of the most important invention of the 20 century. The thing about light bulb is that, it causes us instead of working from 8am to 5pm, now we are empower to work around the clock, 24hours a day. Not that it is a bad thing, especially when you really have urgent stuff that you need to do and candles probably can’t help much. And it make simple stuff like going to the toilet with ease without having to worry that you have to bang into random stuff.

But because of light bulb, we have unwillingly become workaholics. If there are no such invention, then there are every reason to stop working past 5pm. Then maybe people will spend more time bonding together and perhaps family will not be in such a un-institutionalize state.

Web messenger
Web messenger must be one of the best invention of the 21st century. At least that is what I used to  thought. Being an introvert person, web messenger is one of the most best tool to know people that I didn’t dare to approach, especially girls during the adolescent growing up years. But the problem with web messenger is that emotion are now express in text form and not verbally or physically. It’s fine once in a while but once it become a part and parcel of life, we are handicap by the lack of actual communication skill. While we have become expert in short text like “lol” or “ttyl”. Most of us didn’t know how to express ourselves in front of  humans.

Bus Stop

I was waiting for my bus two days back and an interesting thought came to my mind. I started to think that life is like waiting for a bus. You waited and waited yet the bus that you want to board never seems to come. Out of frustration you boarded the next bus that came by. Only to realise that it brought you further than where you initially want to go. Similarly in life, it can be in relationship or in your career objective. What comes first does not necessary brings you to where you want to go. Know your goals and be patient. Even thought you may have wait for a long time but at least you know that you will be guarantee of reaching your destination eventually.